never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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