I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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