Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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