i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
