It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize