I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
