I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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