I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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