O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
