my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
