stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
