So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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