There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
