i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize