I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
