I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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