Apparently you make a good broom.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
