Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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