hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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