someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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