I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
