too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
