Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How does it feel to date your dad?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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