My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
two words...techno handjob
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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