The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
