You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
