When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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