8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My feet surprised me
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