John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
