I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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