connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
