First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
