I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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