Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
