I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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