he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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