You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
