Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You need Xanax blowdarts
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
