i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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