I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
