I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
