John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
