sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
