I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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