I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
