Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
