Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
