I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
