maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Less talking, more tequila
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
