I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
