Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
