u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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