Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize