My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
