I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
