can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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