Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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