we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
