i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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